What Total Burnout Means

I have found myself wandering around in a daze this summer knowing exactly why I have been in burnout.

How could I have possibly held what I was holding this last year as the awareness school grew? Once I decided to take a little time off, it was then that I realized the extent of the damage, as if I was returning to a burn site.

The fires were raging, blazing through every arena of my life.

I can push to the very edge and make anything happen, even if it is not supposed to happen, but there is a great cost.

This pushing has been a “mechanism” all of my life. A tendency where I believe that I can do it no matter what…nothing can stop me. Perhaps it was in reaction to such deep fear and insecurity as a teenager. Perhaps it was to gain someone’s approval. Either way, the mechanism has no regard for my needs, my health, or my growth.

I can remember practicing hours in a practice room on coffee and cigarettes.

I can attest to many hours of meditating in my early days to reach some ridiculous goal.

I can assure you I pressed on against all odds for many years in a failing business.

Knock me down and I get right back up again… until I can’t.

I learn the hard way in all manner of things and my first spiritual teacher used to call me “le petit taureau,” the little bull, short for the most stubborn of stubborn people. It’s true.

The proverbial “they” tell us to never quit, to persist through hardship and rejection, to understand that it’s the journey and not the destination. However, the journey sucks if we do not listen to deep inner guidance, ignore writing on the wall and watch things stop expanding, stop working, and stop being easy.

Once I collapse, I remember life isn’t supposed to be this driving, busy, pushing experience. As I have gotten older, I care less and less about what others think or if I am “successful” or not. I drive from a sense of purpose and passion at this point, but the mechanism still rears its ugly head if I don’t pay attention.

I took time this summer to be in the woods and to reassess everything.

I took time to rest and be in silence. I began to hear a certain call and to maintain a certain level again. This is the place that I cannot hold if I am running around doing everything for the Awareness School. It takes energy to hold the channel open so to speak and it takes energy to run it.

When that channel is open, things flow. Things fall into place. Things, programs, and members expand. Classes fill almost by themselves. So I have to be able to hold that space and bring on a larger team to launch this much bigger ship.

I could say I should have done it sooner, but there are no shoulds in my world.  Things are as they are meant to be. I personally created courses and programs, ran retreats, held the container for our regular local group as well two VIP women’s circles plus blogged weekly and tried not to drown in social media presence and launch modes.

I wrote a book and had it published. Two years ago, I recorded my second CD. I maintain a piano studio and an accompanist position and I have a family.

We acquired a property on San Juan island to house the school where we will run courses not only for meditation but for permaculture and a new way of living in awareness.

I have a beautiful new website about to be revealed.

And yes, I am crazy…

But now it is time to launch the bigger ship and I KNOW it. It can’t grow without other teachers holding the space with me, without a manager behind the scenes, and some tech people who are always there. I cannot control and hold everything.

I also can’t fear investing in a larger vessel.

It’s an uplevel on all fronts, and I am relieved to have Lynda Lopez to help me see the blocks and the ridiculous amount of stuff I have been holding. Sometimes when you are led by spirit, it is hard to get your head on the ground and get practical, organized, and efficient.

Sitting in deep gratitude right now for the dream team that is forming. Stephanie Parrish and Michele Trump will be teaching with me along with my husband Sean. I have a core group that will step up their roles on every level. I will have a manager and tech people on permanent retainer

I will have room for holding the portal open, for creating more content, and for living in the flow.

Blessings on the Awareness School.

All of us look forward to serving your needs through local courses, online courses, women’s circles, retreats on San Juan island, one on one consulting, sound healings, spiritual trips to far-flung places, and personal transformation all in a thriving community.

If you are having growing pains, I suggest that you get help immediately with someone who can midwife it into your bigger vision.

Have a great week.

Love,

Molly

P.S. If you are interested in the Practical Awareness Course or other programs, go to www.awarenessschool.com for what is coming up.